transformationdays:

Please read this post to the end.  It will help you avoid triggers with trans people or help explain where you feel uncomfortable if you are trans.  I think its a valuable thing to know.

I want to introduce a concept that some of you may not know about.  It’s a bit strange at first, but don’t let that scare you.  After all, many people find transgenderism strange, but we expect them to eventually accept it. 

The concept is called radical consent.  If you think about the word consent, what comes to mind?  What does having a consensual relationship mean?  In many people’s minds, consent means that “no means no.”  You may touch someone or say something to someone that they don’t like or desire, so they say “no,” and then you stop.  The problem with this system is the fact that they had to say no.

If they had to tell you to stop, a line was already crossed.  This is called a trigger, and anyone can have one.  Whether it’s from a negative childhood memory or just being uncomfortable with a certain touch, I think nearly everyone has certain triggers.  They can be something as simple as brushing knees.  You can’t tell what someone’s trigger is unless it happens.  I have a trigger.  When people touch my neck without my permission, I get very nervous and anxious.

So let’s change the paradigm.  Instead of taking action and only stopping if someone says no, let’s get a yes first.  Only yes means yes.  

Radical consent basically means asking before approaching or touching someone.  If they say it’s alright, than you can advance.  It sounds strange, but I promise it’s worth it.

Some people at school do this constantly, even when they first meet someone.  They introduce themselves, and then ask if they can shake hands.  I don’t practice radical consent all of the time, but I make a point to when hugging anyone (It’s easy to ask for a hug) or if I plan to get… *cough*… physical with someone.  This way, no line is crossed and everyone is comfortable.

I know it sounds very awkward and offsetting.  You may be asking me right now, “But Wesley, isn’t it strange if I keep asking my partner if I can *insert sexy, sexy verb here*?”  My answer to you is… No.  Practice makes perfect, and doing this once mastered can actually be really fun and sexy.

But that’s not the point.  Although everyone can have triggers, I find this to especially be a problem with trans people.  I get really dysphoric about my breasts, and unless I was really, really comfortable with a partner, I wouldn’t want them to approach that area without my permission.

I’m not asking you to ask someone everytime you have to touch them.  Surely with friends, if its been okay in the past to do a flying tiger ninja pounce on them, it’s still okay.

But with trans people, whether just a friend or in a relationship, be a little more mindful about their triggers. Ask them what they’re comfortable with.  It’s an important covnersation to have.  And if you are trans, you have the right to let people know what is and is not okay.

Feel free to ask questions if you have them.  I want to know what you think about radical consent.

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